How My Shallow Taste In Men Led To Meaningless Relationships
In my dating prime, I only looked for 3 (shallow) qualities in a man... height, looks and personality. If you were tall, you didn't have to be cute and if you were cute, you didn't have to be tall but no matter what, your personality had to be on point. The funny thing about it is, if I was approached by a cute, tall man with personality... I wanted NO PARTS of him! I felt like if he had all these qualities, he just HAD to be a man whore. SMH...yes, these were my dating standards!
As an attractive woman in my 20's making good money, living alone with no kids and a nice car, I basically could have any single man I wanted. For some reason, being well off kind of led me to be less picky with the man I chose. As long as he was either tall or cute and made me laugh, he'd have a chance to get to know me. My choice in men began to weigh in on me as I grew older. Taking a look back, choosing men with these basic qualities was sincerely selling myself short. I mean, they were hitting the jackpot but I was just getting jacked! I'm going to be completely transparent about some key men I've dated, their traits and where it went wrong.
*Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant to embarrass the men I've dated, but to shed a light on how my personal choices caused me to waste so much of my time. Having shallow standards and not vetting the guy I allowed to share my time with had led to this chaos.
Mr. Miami- (Cute with Personality) This one would come in and out of town to see me. It was always a delight to see his text message saying he was just minutes away. He'd bring me gifts, wouldn't blow up my phone while I was at work and gave me the space I needed so I could work and build my business. I barely reached out to him. I just let him hit me up when he felt like it. I worked on my business during the day and worked my vanilla job in the evenings so I had no time to chase a man. What Went Wrong: So let me tell you how the ONE time I decided to call him, he doesn't answer. Minutes after my call, I get a text message with a photo attachment of a naked woman. TUH!! I simply responded: "She's pretty...Have fun luv". He called and left tons of messages lying, trying to explain how his homeboy sent that image to me from his phone be funny. "But how did your friend get that photo onto your phone to even send to me?!" Unbothered, I cut him off cold-turkey and to this day he still texts me trying to get a response. Its been 7 years.
Mr. Long Distance Soldier- (Tall with Personality) This one was as sweet a pie. I met him during my deployment and formed quite the bond. We eventually returned home from deployment and decided to continue our relationship. I'd have drill weekends in Atlanta where I'd see him and he'd come visit me once every 3 weeks. He was a very likeable person. He was very affectionate, attentive and giving. What Went Wrong: During my visit to see him, I came across a pair of worn panties in his very new apartment. Being as though they were a size small (this ass only fits in a large) with discharge on the pussy area, it was evident that he was living his best life while I wasn't in town. He denied it to the core and had "no idea where they came from"! Needless to say that was his last time he ever seen or heard from me.
Mr Handsome & Homeless- (Cute with Personality) This one was quite the pretty boy. Extremely handsome. I should have known something was up when he practically moved himself into my apartment after 3 weeks of talking. Little by little he was moving his things in. First it was his toiletries, then his clothes. Red flags were thrown once I seen his Xbox connected to my television. I'd leave for work with him in my home and return to him still there. To give him credit, he did cook for me, but he was using all my groceries and utilities to do so. My electric bill shot through the roof and he had no way to contribute. What Went Wrong: When I told him I needed some space, things took a turn for the worse. I eventually found out that he was homeless when I found him sleeping in the park next to my apartment building days after I asked him to leave. He was watching my apartment and who I was letting come over. One evening he Spider-Manned his way up to my balcony and banged on my balcony slider door when he thought I had a guy over. This was the scariest moment of my life. Two weeks later I moved into a new condo. 29 floors up, with a door man and key-activated elevator.
The Unspoken Common Denominator
I didn't require much from these men. I didn't challenge them and they damn sure didn't challenge me. I wasn't very impressed with them or what they've done for themselves. I realized I was easily able to cut them off because I didn't have my emotions tied into them. I realized that they were just space fillers for the time I did have to spare when I wasn't working. I was looking for something to do when there was nothing to do.
New Year, New Me
The drama from those previous relationships definitely made me reevaluate myself and my choices. After having my space invaded by "Spider Man", I was ready for a complete cleansing. I dropped everyone and everything to officially start over! At the height of the New Year, I broke the lease on my apartment and moved into my condo, got rid of my Charger and got me a Benz, quit my job and pursued my entrepreneurial dreams full time, got a dog and took a dating sabbatical. I became all about my paper. Fast forward to when I did begin dating again, my next boyfriend became my last. My new standards and respect for myself would only allow for me to date a decent quality man. That man is now my husband and I've never been happier.
What I've Learned
I finally know what I want. Dealing with these men and their nonsense, I've learned that I need mental stimulation. I needed someone who worked as hard as me and understood what it meant to build, grow and prosper. I needed someone who had something to lose. Someone who didn't have the time to juggle women because there was money to be made. I needed someone who seen me as an asset in their lives and not just an accessory. I needed someone I could learn from. I needed to stop dating people just because I was bored.
DO BETTER BITCH!!! IDGAFWYA, you deserve to be happy. Stop settling. Become OK with being alone. Get a damn pet! Upgrade yourself before you try to upgrade someone else. Become someone worth chasing. Matter of fact, just chase you damn self! PeriodT!